A Letter to the 19 Year Old Me
Dear Maz,
You don't know me yet but I know you. I understand everything you are feeling and what life has thrown at you. I'm writing this to you because I care. I know how your mind works and I know all of your thoughts. You may not understand this but please just keep reading as there are few things I would like to tell you.
1) You Don't Have to be that "Tough Girl"
That "no one can fuck with me" attitude you have, that bad bitch aura you hold, you don't need it. I know you have built that up as a defense mechanism because yes you have been fucked with and yes you have been hurt, but I promise you that being open to the world and to others takes a lot less energy than trying to hold that tough girl persona. Life is a beautiful place and I assure you one day you will see this.
Your world will be a lot more fulfilling once you open yourself up to others and opportunity. I promise that you will start meeting so many genuine people. I promise you are going to be collecting so many amazing memories that at times you will want to cry because you are so happy. They are out there, you just need to be open to it. I promise you that one day you will understand that being vulnerable is actually a sign of strength.
2) Don't Drive Yourself Crazy Thinking About That Guy
Yes I know that he is super attractive, got guns any girl could die for and yes he did treat you pretty darn great. Stop beating yourself up because you couldn't open up to him and he left. There is always a reason for everything and let me tell you now that the reason you two didn't work out is because you are destined for even greater things. Don't get me wrong, he is a great catch, so great the next girl after you actually proposes to him. He's ready to settle down and have a family. I'm sorry to break it to you but honey, you aren't. He was brought into your life to show you that not all men are assholes. Before him, you didn't know a guy could treat you like that, embrace it.
You have so much more yet to experience and so many places you have yet to see. I promise you that one day you will look back at him with the fondest memories, it will make you smile. I also promise you that you will understand why it couldn't work with him, you both have two totally different paths ahead of you. If only you knew what you have yet to experience, you wouldn't give it a thought to settle down so young. So please stop obsessing about him and beating yourself up because you couldn't give him what he wanted. You will soon learn that every ending is the start of a beautiful beginning. Life is funny like that, you may not see this now but honey, I promise you will.
3) You Don't Need To Hide Behind All That Make up
I know you can't leave the house without make up. Heck, you go to bed with your eyeliner on. One day you will see that the make up is really a mask you are hiding behind. You aren't yet comfortable with who you are and you use make up as a barrier, a protective coat from the world. You feel that if people saw who you really were, they wouldn't like you. You're ashamed of your past and this is your way of hiding.
One day, you will be the girl that is comfortable in her own skin. You may not see it yet but you will be the girl that's proud to rock it out with a fresh face. You won't care what other people think. You won't feel like you need to hide and you will soon realise just how beautiful you really are. You will be proud of who you are and will feel like a bad ass that you made it through everything that you did. Beauty shines from within, soon you will understand.
4) That Feeling of Loneliness Will Soon Pass
You walk around like you are carrying the world on your shoulders. I know it feels like no one understands you and you don't feel safe to let anyone into your mind. It feels like anyone you get close to will only leave. This will pass. I promise you that you will soon meet some amazing people along the way, everywhere you go you will meet someone that teaches you something.
There will come a time where you will feel so blessed because you are surrounded by the most beautiful people you could ever hope for. The time will come, you just need to learn to open yourself up to others and receive the love that you deserve. It may be hard to fathom right now but you really do deserve it. You have a beautiful soul and other people will see this. Most importantly, so will you.
I hope you are taking this in and I know all of this is hard to digest but keep your head up darling. You are a lot tougher than you think and you really do deserve great things. Right now it feels like the world is against you. You are always experiencing bad luck that it has got to the point people joke about how unlucky you are.
Let me tell you a little secret, change your thoughts, instead of focusing on what you don't have, why don't you try to look for things that you already have. Be grateful, I know it has been tough but in all honesty, life could be worse. I promise you that once you start appreciating the little things in life, the universe will start giving you more things to appreciate. One day, you will be the girl that experiences good luck everywhere you go. There will come a time that people will joke about how you're always so lucky.
I just want you to know that you are amazing and everything you have and are experiencing is helping shape you to become the best version of you. Please stop being sad, you will soon see that life has so much yet to offer.
Love,
The 29 year old you
