Embracing Your Most Painful Memories Can Empower You

I was quite hesitant about writing this blog. The whole reasoning behind me even starting to blog was to raise awareness about multiple topics in hopes to inspire and motivate others. There were so many topics I wanted to discuss but I was holding off on all of the major issues. Here I was talking about everything but what I actually wanted to voice. I was always thinking, "Now is not the right time to be completely vulnerable for the world to see. I don't have enough reach or engagement for my opinion to make a difference."

It wasn't until today when I started chatting to a woman who is what I call an "old soul". You know how sometimes you meet someone and when you look into their eyes, you can tell there is so much depth to them? They have the biggest smiles and can light up the whole room with their radiant energy but deep down, if you look close enough, there is a lot of pain. "Old souls" are said to have lived many lifetimes, full of wisdom and hearts of gold. I honestly think I was meant to chat with her. She probably has no idea but she has inspired me to write this blog.

I always talk about how tomorrow is never promised and we can't take life for granted. Well, I gotta practice what I preach and stop waiting for the right moment. I need to make the moment right and grab the bull by the horns so here goes.

Now I know there are a lot of other people on this planet that have been through hell and back and are still experiencing circumstances a lot worse than I can ever imagine, but seeing I am spilling my inner most thoughts to the world, I may as well have the courtesy to introduce myself properly and allow you to get a better understanding of my background and where I've come from.

I was born in Manila, Philippines. My parents weren't exactly rich or even well off. Safe to say we were considered "lower class". I still remember being 3 years old and terribly hungry. I was with my Papa and there was no food to be had. All we had in our shoe box home (imagine a tiny tin shed that barely even fit a car), was a bowl of rice that had been sitting there for days. Millions of ants crawling through it. My stomach was eating itself and as much as I didn't want to eat the rice, I was famished. As I am writing this, I can remember the feeling of the ants crawling around in my throat.

My mother worked hard and eventually brought me to Australia. I'm extremely grateful for all she had done and so unbelievably blessed that I have been able to grow up in such a wonderful country. The culture change at first was tough but I settled in fine. I lived a pretty normal life. It wasn't until I was fourteen that my life took a turn. Life as I knew it changed for me at this age. Everything I knew was turned upside down.

To try and fit most of it into one sentence, I have lived on the streets, couch surfed, stayed between multiple friends' homes, been raped, molested, found myself in some very abusive relationships, been a drug addict, stripped, tried to commit suicide a few times and there was even a time my heart stopped beating and the doctors actually declared me "dead". This was due to the night before when several men gang raped me and had put too much Rohypnol aka roofies into my system, causing my heart to stop. I actually still remember the out of body experience I had when I was supposed to be "dead", but that is another story. Actually now I think of it, I've escaped death quite a few times. My time ain't over yet! Lol.

Now in saying all of that, I am not your typical case of "girl with messed up issues". Only a couple of extremely close friends know this about me. Some of my close friends don't even know any of this. My family have only just started to learn a small portion of what happened to me all of those years. Any one that knows me now would not even guess that I had been through half of the things I have. They would say that I'm bubbly, outgoing, and full of life.

It took me a long time to come to terms with everything that has happened. It took me falling down on numerous occasions for me to wake up to myself. Looking back, I never did see the light at the end of the tunnel, there were times I just wanted to give up. I never thought I was worth much and it has been a journey to learn to embrace and love myself. As much as some of the things in my past was crazily painful at the time, I can honestly say that I don't regret a single thing.

If it wasn't for being abused by men, I wouldn't have the courage and the guts to stand up for myself as I do now. Ask anyone that knows me, I'm a tough little cookie and I won't take sh*t from anyone. I know when to keep my mouth shut but I know when push comes to shove. I know my worth, what I deserve and will no longer accept anything less. I have been manipulated by the best and for that I am thankful, as I have learnt to read and see straight through people and their bullsh*t.

These days, I choose my friends wisely. Only the genuine, positive and ones that add value to my life are who I spend my time with. If it wasn't for knowing what it was like to have nothing, I wouldn't know how to appreciate the life I have now. I am like a child eating cake for the first time. Little things make me so happy. Watching the sunrise and set makes my heart skip a beat, hearing the waves of the ocean, chasing waterfalls and admiring it's beauty, strolling by the water, eating a simple meal, snuggling on the couch in the warmth, all of these things that can easily be taken for granted is what brings a smile to my face.

I know what it's like to be alone and to feel that there is no one on the planet that gives a damn. So when it comes to anyone in need, I am the first to offer assistance. If someone wants to talk about their problems, I will be their shoulder. I know what it's like to make the wrong choices and do things that other people would frown upon and because of that, I am anything but judgmental. I do not discriminate on race or status. I realise we are all flawed in our own ways and that is what makes us unique. It's a messed up kind of beautiful.

Each and every single one of us have a story. We have all felt pain and happiness in different ways. Everything that has happened to us has helped shape us into who we are now. Don't let the past define you. Take all of that pain, all of those tears, all of those sleepless nights, all of those times you never thought you would get through and use it as motivation. You made it through, you were stronger than you thought. Use that pain to your advantage, use it to become a better version of you. Use it to win. Not against anyone else, win against yourself. Beat that voice inside of your head that is filled with doubt. You are better than that.

Embrace those painful memories, take a second and reflect on how they have shaped you and look at just how far you have come. You are strong, you are courageous and you are beautiful. How good does it feel to look at how much you have grown? Think to where you were last year, how about 5 years before that? Look how far you have come.